Friday, May 13, 2011

Savage Beatings. And a Joke

I was going to post this entry yesterday but somehow I broke blogger.

I am sorry.

This week was a fairly regular routine of eating, working, sleeping and reading contest entries. I’ve gotten through a first read and am about to go through them a second time. I have four that stand out as superior stories for me. That being said, I’m sure that Laurita will have four different ones that SHE likes and Ellen will have four different ones for which she will emphatically support and administer savage beatings until we agree with her.

This is not me.
To counter this, I have been hitting the treadmill to build up stamina for what I’m sure will be a spirited debate with my associates to pick a winner for the Lost on the Rock Contest for 2011. I recently signed up for Tae Bo classes in a local gym, thinking it would help me get the upper hand on the lovely ladies. Sadly, when I arrived at the class I discovered it was Tie-Bow…a class where elderly gentlemen get assistance and training on how to create a proper cravat. The women will probably kick my ascot...but at least I will look simply maaaavelous (said like Billy Crystal, of course).

The chuckle of the day yesterday goes to Cathy Webster at her blog Life on the Muskoka River where she presents her “Ode to Lost Dryer Sheets.” If you missed it, it's hilarious and a must read.

And speaking of funny tales…corporate HQ back in Ontario recently held a contest to submit the best joke. The winner was guaranteed extra rations of bread and water. I didn’t bother to enter because I can’t compete against the combined wit of the drafting office. Besides, I could stand to lose a bit of weight. I present the winning entry below.


“For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.


One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today. 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce!!!!”

16 comments:

K.C. Shaw said...

Oh, so YOU broke Blogger, did you? I knew it!

I love the spaghetti joke!

Gigi said...

And here I thought I was to blame for breaking Blogger....but it was YOU all along!

Love the joke!

Laura Eno said...

So, you're the one who broke Blogger...I was wondering who did it.
I love your spagetti joke! I'm still laughing!

Cathy Webster (Olliffe) said...

Oh you sweet thing. Thanks!
I read the spaghetti joke out loud to Sam and Dave who both laughed uproariously. (I'm wondering if Sam really got it or not ...)
I was just wondering if Laurita will be even tougher now that she has shorn her locks.. I'm thinking GI Jane. You might very well be getting your ascot kicked... Pictures Please! I'd love to see you three at the local Tim's, wrestling over stories.
Isn't it nice to comment again? So good to have old Blogger back. I lost all my dryer sheet comments but I won't forget how much I enjoyed them. Thanks again, Alan!

Alan W. Davidson said...

Glad that you enjoyed the joke. Wish I had wrote it. Also pleased that nobody is holding that blogger thing against me...I know that some of you were going through 'withdrawal symptoms'.

David Barber said...

Great post, Alan. A funny joke at the end. I'm sure the women willbe gentle with your beating. Just enjoy the experience.

I met a horny older woman in the pub last night and, for 52, she wasn't bad looking at all.

We drank and talked for a while and during our conversation she asked if I'd ever had a mother and daughter threesome. I was a little taken aback and said that I hadn't.

"This could be your lucky night," she said and we went back to her place.

We got to her house and entered. She put on the hall light and shouted, "Are you still awake.....MUM?"

Have a great weekend, Alan!

Laurita said...

Alan, you not only broke blogger, but you also owe me a new keyboard. I had just taken a big mouthful of coffee when I read about tie-bow. Coffee everywhere. :)

Linda said...

So it WAS you who caused such tumult and made wordpress afficiondos cheer?! Very funny post, also almost spewed coffee on laptop.

You are a dangerous man, Alan. Verrrrrrry dangerous. peace...

Erin Cole said...

That is an excellent and brilliant story! Way to get in shape for the contest, man it must be tough. I guess I better go do some pushups... If I still can.

Alan W. Davidson said...

David- OK, that was a creepy joke!

Laurita- Sorry about the keyboard. Perhaps your hubby can find a used one on my behalf...

Linda- I don't doubt that the Wordpress users were laughing their asses off. Yes, the advanced tie-bow classes have made me very dangerous, indeed.

Erin- Never too late for a healthy lifestyle. Maybe I'll start tomorrow...

Katey said...

a class where elderly gentlemen get assistance and training on how to create a proper cravat.
I have a how-to guide for this sort of thing. And it's still impossible!

... and now I'm hungry for spaghetti.

Lou Freshwater said...

Tie-bow! *That* is the funniest joke. And sigh..I need one of those classes.

baygirl32 said...

I was wondering who broke blogger!

Murr Brewster said...

Thanks for breaking blogger. It all reminds me of when the lights go out and everyone lights candles and tells stories in the dark and has a really good time; then they come back on again, and everyone moans and goes back to watching TV. Personally, I was kind of thrilled to not post for a day, guilt-free.

Alan W. Davidson said...

Katey- I assume that you're talking about REAL spaghetti and not the waking up screaming with messy diaper type of 'spaghetti'...

Lou- I usually let those around me do my tie for me on the bi-yearly occasion I may need to wear one. Just a mental block at learning it.

Baygirl- Don't tell anyone!

Murr- Welcome! I think the stepping back from technology more often could be a good thing. What you describe about the candles, etc. reminds me of 'Earth Day' and shutting things down for an hour. Good observation.

John Wiswell said...

Sometimes I look like Billy Crystal sounds. It's seldom pretty but can be very funny.