Anton’s warm generosity and gentle, dare I say even Mother Theresa like, approach to his art and his fans led me to conclude that it was high time to recognize Anton in some fashion for his heady accomplishments. We at Land’s Edge first considered throwing a belated Bar Mitzvah or perhaps a debutante’s ball in his honour. However our Canadian sensibilities
Our attempts to interview Mr. Gully in Belfast by telephone have been fruitless. So, after conducting my own exhaustive research and enlisting the aid of others who purport to know Mr. Gully well, (those few who are not currently traveling with Cirque du Soleil or the World Midget Mud Wrestling Federation), I decided to make up any stuff that I couldn’t verify. My intrepid staff of
1. Anton is a man of the people. He’s not afraid to get his hands dirty. According to our sources he has had a varied career including: chicken plucker, dog walker, pastry chef, sword swallower, and when he was younger, both a fluffer for the porn industry and Wee Willy Wilson’s stand in body double.
2. The way in which Mr. Gully currently whiles away the hours when he’s not drinking or writing, or writing while drinking is still a mystery. Various sources gave us conflicting information. So is Anton a rich man or a poor man; a jet setting financial wizard or a scullery maid at the Moonlite BunnyRanch in Nevada? Land’s Edge staff contacted five of Anton’s intimates. Each swore for a fact that they knew him to be:
- A Chinchilla Farmer
- Man servant to Michael Caine
- A chicken sexer, i.e. he who sorts through baby chicks to determine gender
- Obituary writer for the Belfast Telegram
- Personal Assistant to Paul Reubens (aka Pee Wee Herman)--Anton started out as his driver, worked his way up to dresser, and eventually became Mr. Reuben's right-hand man.
3. In a drunken stupor, Anton recently telephoned me here in Newfoundland after one of his famous Friday night outings to the finer pubs and nudie bars in Belfast. During a profanity-filled rant about the state of the geriatric health care system in his country, he let slip that the surname ‘Gully’ was in fact his real name, not a pseudonym as he always claims. It is a close kept family secret that his great-great-great-grandfather had been a prominent Member of Parliament. Those of you who have followed me for a while may recall that I am something of a genealogist. It did not require much effort on my part to dig up information on John Gully (1783-1863): former British MP, pub owner and champion bare-fist boxer.
Pablo’s hat, dark sunglasses and moustache can’t hide the Gully family resemblance. Land’s Edge researchers who in a completely unrelated matter recently threatened Pablo with deportation, spoke with Pablo. Once confronted with the family’s trademark pasty skin, beaky noses and pointed chins Pablo tearfully confessed that both he and Anton were the love children of actor Klaus Kinski. The lovely Nastassja Kinski is therefore their half-sister!
6. And finally, when contacted in Dublin, a bitter Guinness spokesperson who wished to remain anonymous told me that Anton Gully is in fact the Dos Equis beer guy (shown right) as seen in the popular television commercials.
We hope that you have enjoyed this little glimpse into man of mystery, Anton Gully. And if anyone has 100% proof positive photographic evidence of Anton’s current occupation that they’d like to share with this humble blogger, let me just say that I still have some gum left in the bottom of the drawer. And I can be very generous with it if needs be. [nudge nudge wink wink] I'd like to thank the Land's Edge staff for working tirelessly this past May Day weekend, missing the maypole and Morris dancing festivities. Also, special thanks to Karen Schindler, for no particular reason.
14 comments:
Oh man, just in case Anton is less than pleased with your profile...I hope you have a moat 'round the house stocked with hungry alligators.
Very funny stuff Alan. When do you go on the road to establish your stand up career?
:0)
How do you know that Anton doesn't have a shamrock tattoo on his left butt cheek?
Rockin' roast, Alan! Of course, if the slightly used greeting card you sent had pink flowers on it, Anton won't be in a good mood.
Being of Irish descent myself, I wonder if I'm related to him? That could drive him over the edge, you know...
Alan...my friend...you have too much time on your hands. Lol. Far too much time. ;p
This was all very clever and hilarious, but the part that made me LOL was the bit at the end about the gum.
I do hope your dog does guard duty...
This was the best piece of fiction I've read this year, and it was all true. Right?
I have been fascinated by Anton Gully since forever, so am so relieved, grateful, and surprised by this spilling of the beans about him.
Please post pictures about what happened after he visits you.
Paul Rubens right-hand man... BWAH HA HA HA HA!
This post had me giggling from beginning to end.
Karen- Alligators in place. Nice sentiment about the stand up. That would make me about as much yearly as I make at writing...
Laura- Anton's butt tattoo. Not gonna touch that! Thanks, I'm of Irish background on my mother's side. You're right, one of us has got to me related to him.
Kat- LOL, You're right, I probably have (I was just debating this morning wether it's move advantageous to do these long-wided posts or to do a #Fridayflash story...
Laurita- Thanks. Glad you enjoyed it. The dog? He would probably lead an intruder to where I slept.
Aaron- Har! We both know that everything posted on the internet is true. Silly boy...
Marisa- I'm sure we've all held a twisted fascination of Anton at some point of time. I hope that my secret remote location on this island will keep me safe.
Peggy- Thanks. The 'right-hand man' thing had me giggling as well while writing it.
Alan, it was hilarious! I laughed despite--I laughed, we'll leave it at that. ;)
Don't stop posting this stuff. It's great. You could do a collection of everybody, bind it up and sell it at Starbucks! Well, there's your marketing sorted out. ;D
Very amusing and enjoyable. Nothing like digging up family secrets - especially when they're of a questionable nature.
OMG! That is hilarious. I always new Anton was quite the character. ;)
He wouldn't be afraid to show his feminine side... if he had one.
Kat- Thanks for setting up my future posts. The first inside edition 'Kat...the true story."
Danielle- And some families have more to dig up that others (or perhaps they hide the secrets in the family crypt?)
Cate- Glad you liked it.
Katey- LOL, I'm sure he wouldn't. There was that cross-dressing incident just a few weeks ago...
What the hell, Alan? I let it all out anyway! ;P
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