Anton’s warm generosity and gentle, dare I say even Mother Theresa like, approach to his art and his fans led me to conclude that it was high time to recognize Anton in some fashion for his heady accomplishments. We at Land’s Edge first considered throwing a belated Bar Mitzvah or perhaps a debutante’s ball in his honour. However our Canadian sensibilities
Our attempts to interview Mr. Gully in Belfast by telephone have been fruitless. So, after conducting my own exhaustive research and enlisting the aid of others who purport to know Mr. Gully well, (those few who are not currently traveling with Cirque du Soleil or the World Midget Mud Wrestling Federation), I decided to make up any stuff that I couldn’t verify. My intrepid staff of
1. Anton is a man of the people. He’s not afraid to get his hands dirty. According to our sources he has had a varied career including: chicken plucker, dog walker, pastry chef, sword swallower, and when he was younger, both a fluffer for the porn industry and Wee Willy Wilson’s stand in body double.
2. The way in which Mr. Gully currently whiles away the hours when he’s not drinking or writing, or writing while drinking is still a mystery. Various sources gave us conflicting information. So is Anton a rich man or a poor man; a jet setting financial wizard or a scullery maid at the Moonlite BunnyRanch in Nevada? Land’s Edge staff contacted five of Anton’s intimates. Each swore for a fact that they knew him to be:
- A Chinchilla Farmer
- Man servant to Michael Caine
- A chicken sexer, i.e. he who sorts through baby chicks to determine gender
- Obituary writer for the Belfast Telegram
- Personal Assistant to Paul Reubens (aka Pee Wee Herman)--Anton started out as his driver, worked his way up to dresser, and eventually became Mr. Reuben's right-hand man.
3. In a drunken stupor, Anton recently telephoned me here in Newfoundland after one of his famous Friday night outings to the finer pubs and nudie bars in Belfast. During a profanity-filled rant about the state of the geriatric health care system in his country, he let slip that the surname ‘Gully’ was in fact his real name, not a pseudonym as he always claims. It is a close kept family secret that his great-great-great-grandfather had been a prominent Member of Parliament. Those of you who have followed me for a while may recall that I am something of a genealogist. It did not require much effort on my part to dig up information on John Gully (1783-1863): former British MP, pub owner and champion bare-fist boxer.
Pablo’s hat, dark sunglasses and moustache can’t hide the Gully family resemblance. Land’s Edge researchers who in a completely unrelated matter recently threatened Pablo with deportation, spoke with Pablo. Once confronted with the family’s trademark pasty skin, beaky noses and pointed chins Pablo tearfully confessed that both he and Anton were the love children of actor Klaus Kinski. The lovely Nastassja Kinski is therefore their half-sister!
6. And finally, when contacted in Dublin, a bitter Guinness spokesperson who wished to remain anonymous told me that Anton Gully is in fact the Dos Equis beer guy (shown right) as seen in the popular television commercials.
We hope that you have enjoyed this little glimpse into man of mystery, Anton Gully. And if anyone has 100% proof positive photographic evidence of Anton’s current occupation that they’d like to share with this humble blogger, let me just say that I still have some gum left in the bottom of the drawer. And I can be very generous with it if needs be. [nudge nudge wink wink] I'd like to thank the Land's Edge staff for working tirelessly this past May Day weekend, missing the maypole and Morris dancing festivities. Also, special thanks to Karen Schindler, for no particular reason.