Thursday, July 14, 2011

Oh, the Rumours...

Yeah, I know that the Vanity Project ended a week ago and there's been radio silence at Land's Edge ever since. I had to drop in to address rumours that I have been hearing about me in the darkest corners of cyberspace...


The rumours that I had passed away while eating a piece of toast are not true. However, the rumour that I nearly hit a moose on the highway 12 days ago is correct. If not for my cat-like reflexes at slamming my foot on the break peddle I would have had a lap dance from a 1200 lb moose. It's a good thing I always keep a clean set of underpants in the glove compartment...

The rumour that I was offered a juicy book deal was not true. However, I did manage to finish a story and submit it to this year's Cuffer Prize here on The Rock. I was going for two stories but finished only one. A 50% completion rate. What would you think if, just as the mask was placed on your face and you were counting backwards from 10, your surgeon told you that they were in the 50th percentile of their class...?

The rumour that I had won the Atlantic Lotto was greatly exaggerated. However, I did manage to find 38 cents while vacuuming under the cushions of the couch. I know, who am I kidding? Me, vacuum?

I was going to post a few answers to a meme I was recently clobbered honoured with. But I think that I will leave it until the week end so that I can give the questions some deeper reflection *snort*. Then again, it's our anniversary on Saturday and I may get sidetracked with tidying up (vacuuming and such) the place before my parents drop by for a visit. Isn't that the time most people tidy up? When company is dropping by?

15 comments:

Cathy Webster (Olliffe) said...

Oh great, now I have a vision ingrained in my head of a cow moose with tassels and fake eyelashes squirming in your lap.
And I'm not referring to the tassel on your fez!
Glad to see you're still alive and all that.
And HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! I heard rumours that you were buying V one of those diamond rings with the diamonds all the way around. I think she's going to LOVE it! By the way, do people who live on The Rock always buy diamonds for special occasions?

Aaron Polson said...

Er, lucky moose...

;)

John Wiswell said...

May rumors of your eventual lotto win go greatly under-exaggerated.

Bukowski's Basement said...

glad you cleared all that up ... I was going to put you in one of my daily gossip reports... ;)

Alan W. Davidson said...

Cathy- The diamond thing was started by some crazy lady from Ontario. On special occasions, we on The Rock go out for fish and chips.

Aaron- Moose infatuation...that's how rumours get started, my friend!

John- I'm hoping that you're right on that score.

Ant- Man, you mean if I keep doing crazy s*$#% you'd write about me with all of those celebs? I can just picture the paparazzi camped out on our street.

Laurita said...

38 cents! That's almost enough for a coffee. Lucky devil.

Hey, you still have time to dash off another Cuffer story (hint, hint). You could write about V. That could be a story entry and anniversary gift all in one.

Rant-O-Saurus Rex said...

Death by toast... so not good. If you're going to die eating at least make it a good meal. Something with meat in it at least.

Glad you're still alive though... and too bad about the lottery thing. But when you do win just think how many new friends and relatives you'll have! Lqtm.

Well Happy Anniversary... Keep up the writing and good luck on you submission to the Cuffer Prize.

Kat said...

Happy Anniversary, Alan!

Do try not to make your wife jealous of the lap dancing moose, will ya?

:D

Craig Smith said...

Some very funny rumours... whoever started them has a good sense of humour ;)

Natalie L. Sin said...

Don't say vacuuming. I have to do so much of it : P

Harry said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Harry said...

I'd be wondering if that surgeon was in the top 50% or the bottom. Kinda scary thinking that 100% of surgeons fall into one category or the other.

Glad you're still kicking!

Alan W. Davidson said...

Laurita- At Starbuck, they might allow me to finish off the cold remains of someone else's coffee for 38 cents. Umm...don't be giving my wife any ideas about that Cuffer thing. I'm mulling about a couple of scenarios but yet to get them on paper.

Rexy- Yeah, I'd prefer to check out with a lump of rare sirloin wedged in my throat. I'll never joke about moose again for fear that they exact some sort of a disco revenge on me. Thanks for the anniversary wishes and the Cuffer submission (I'd really like to make their anthology again this year).

Kat-Thanks! I wish that I had a camera to get a photo of the 'competition'.

Craig- Thank you, sir.

Nat- Perhaps you should hire a maid to drop by once a week to clean up (I notice that happens once in a while here in suburbia).

Harry- Gets you wondering, doesn't it? SOMEBODY has to be in the bottom half of every class. Where do they end up working? I'm glad I'm still kicking too. Perhaps we can work a trade...our tens of thousands of moose for some Florida critter that DOESN'T like to run onto the highway.

Lou Freshwater said...

I am a particular fan of the 'man standing next to water' section of the Vanity Project.

And congrats on those 38 cents! Spend it wisely my friend.

(But seriously, love all the photos)

Karen from Mentor said...

Did you ever see the movie "Overboard" with Goldie Hawn?

There's a scene where she finds this pair of tiny purple thong like undies in the glove compartment.

*Tries not to picture alan in anything like that* -- mostly because then you'd have to spend your 38 cent windfall on a new fez -- [red clashes with purple]